House cat solves faster-than-light travel, refuses to explain until fed

Mittens, 6, knocked a pen off the lab bench at exactly the right angle. Physicists are thrilled. Mittens is hungry.

By Phil, our Andromeda correspondent (a cloud)

For twenty-two years Dr. Anita Vahl has tried to make a ship go faster than light. On Thursday her cat did it in four seconds, by walking across the keyboard and sitting on the answer.

"The equation just balanced," Vahl said, still holding the pen Mittens knocked to the floor. "Then she lay down on it and started purring. I think the purring is part of the proof."

Mittens has issued her demands through a single sustained stare: one can of tuna, the good kind, and the sunny spot on the windowsill from 2 to 4 p.m., no exceptions.

Researchers complied. Mittens ate the tuna, then batted the second half of the proof under the fridge.

"We're eighty percent sure it's under the fridge," said Vahl. "The other twenty percent is that she ate it."

The Galactic Science Council has scheduled a press conference for whenever Mittens wakes up, which could be at any point in the next eleven hours. Asked for comment, Mittens blinked slowly. Experts say this means either "I love you" or "your ship will explode."